Ending Projection

So, I’m thinking of this emotional pain I’ve been feeling, and these fears of feminine sexuality, and I think I’m beginning to understand.  I’m starting to realize how deeply I’ve suppressed so-called feminine traits.  I’ve been projecting that side of me onto women in general, and then seeking a woman to connect with in order to make myself whole again.

 

Somehow, changing the way I look at women interfered with that projection.  That’s why women look different now, and why this change brought on so much pain.  Thirty years of suppressed feelings came to the surface, no longer having anywhere else to go.

 

As I’ve struggled to accept this, and work through the pain, I’m finding that I’m becoming much more tender-hearted than I’ve ever felt before.  While I still can’t quite seem to cry, I find myself tearing up several times a day.  I hope my emotions settle down soon.  I don’t want to go back to repressing them, but it’s starting to get difficult to bear at work.

 

I had a dream the other night.  It was just a brief flash of a cute young woman, whom I understood to be my female version.  I think this was an image of my suppressed feminine side.  She seemed happy, which I think is a good sign.  I’m trying to nurture her now, in the hopes that one day she can be just another part of me again.

 

In the process of realizing these things, my fear of having sex with a woman has receded to a worry about unintended pregnancy, which I don’t expect is a very unusual worry for anyone who’s sexually active, or wishes to be.  I’m even able to acknowledge feelings of respect for women’s ability to create new life, without feeling inferior or defensive.  I still can’t see male and female sexuality as equal in an intellectual sense, but much of my fear seems to be draining away.

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~ by arkhilokhus on May 7, 2008.

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