Self Love

Lately I’ve really been struggling with my sexuality.  As I mentioned in this post, and delved into more detail here, I’ve come to feel ridiculously afraid of female sexuality.  My embarrassment over my fear, however, has done nothing to calm myself or to make images of giant vaginas swallowing me stop.  My therapist connects these fears and images with a fear and lack of acceptance of my own feminine side, and she may be right; however, that’s a (possible) subject for another post.  Today, as the title suggests, I’m going to talk about masturbation.


Since I’ve had no sexual partners since my separation almost a year ago, masturbation has become the whole of my sex life.  And the context of masturbation has always been, for me, a physical expression of my fantasies, which, with one exception (a single enjoyable memory of my time experimenting with homosexuality), center around women, sometimes also involving myself and sometimes not.


But lately, even thinking about a woman being sexual brings up such intense feelings of fear and inferiority that my attempts to pleasure myself have been in vain, ending with curling into a ball and whimpering softly.


However, last night, as I was almost asleep, I suddenly got inspired to retrieve some of the lubrication I used to use with my ex-wife.  Laying down and not really thinking of anything, I slowly caressed my chest and oiled my cock, bringing myself to an enjoyable orgasm over the course of an hour.  All without thinking of a woman at all – I was simply focused on my body, and really enjoying it for the first time that I can remember.  It was a very explorative experience, but it was also a little strange, feeling desire for myself.  It also reminded me of something that Elizavetta once said, responding to a comment of mine: “But being alone can be also be quite intimate and erotic as well. And I hope you can discover the depth of that for yourself in ways you didn’t know were possible.”


This experience opens possibilities for me to be sexual while I’m struggling with these issues about sexuality, but a part of me is resistant.  It’s as if a large part of me is invested in needing women, and fears letting go of that need.  I’m starting to believe, on an intellectual level, that I would both be happier and be able to relate to future lovers better if I didn’t need anyone else to feel satisfied and to have my needs met – to be able to appreciate being with a lover from a position of abundance.  But somehow, emotionally, that almost feels like blasphemy, like I’m disrespecting feminine sexuality, and indeed, sexual pleasure itself.


Nothing’s easy these days, it seems.


~ by arkhilokhus on April 25, 2008.

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