Pseudonymity

Elizavetta asks:

“Who is really writing on your blog, and what is he/she really trying to say?”

It’s an interesting question, and one that requires a little backstory. This blog was actually started as a way for me and my then-girlfriend, who lived about 2,000 miles away, to write erotic stories for each other. It never got used, as the problems that ended our relationship became prevalent shortly after. When I began to investigate the Seduction Community, I revived it, thinking it could serve as an online journal of sorts as I worked on learning the techniques of that Community. However, shortly thereafter I discovered Feminism. Well, it was really more of a case of Feminism dropping from the sky, landing on my face and starting to wiggle. And so the focus of the blog has changed yet again. One of these days I need to return to the subject of the Seduction Community and discuss at length the problems I have with their general approach, why I think it’s important for men to become more socially adept and how the Community can serve that effort, and more general questions about a male equivalent to the hierodule in modern society.

Anyway.

Because this blog bears a reference to Aphrodite, this has never been a general forum for my thoughts. There have been many posts that I decided not to write because they had nothing to do with sexuality or gender (and gender issues are a bit of a stretch, honestly; they seem to me to belong more to Queen Hera than Aphrodite). That focus has let a side of me, my favorite side, come out a little. He’s unused to speaking much, though, and my more logical side, which, to be honest, is a bit of a bully, tends to override talk of sensuality with objective analyses and such. I’ve always wanted to write erotica here, and I do have a few partially completed pieces. But it’s become suddenly difficult for me, as I’m in a place in my life where I feel cut off from my sexuality. I’m continuing to struggle with finishing those pieces, as therapy if nothing else, but it’s very, very hard to work through the feelings of vulnerability in the face of female sexuality, which has, in the past week or so, become something frightening and threatening.

In a way, this post is letting my Aphrodisiac side speak out of his pain. That seems to be all I can do at the moment, since my reason has failed me. I hope that someday, this blog could become something worthy to offer to Aphrodite, a virtual altar of sorts, but I don’t see how I can get there from where I am. But I’m determined not to stop writing, either. Perhaps I’m just stubborn.

Oh, yes. Anonymity.

One of the things I’ve tried to do here is to be absolutely emotionally honest. My hope is that someday, someone in a similar position may find these writings and discover in them a guidepost for navigating their difficulties. Anonymity allows me to do that without worrying that someone I know may see things I’m not ready to share with them. It allows me the comfort that, if I need to, I can always walk away from this project and lose this identity. That I won’t be stuck here when I no longer want to be. There’s a sense of safety in having an escape route, even if I never intend to use it.

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~ by arkhilokhus on April 20, 2008.

One Response to “Pseudonymity”

  1. Like you, I also began my blog as a way to let a part of me speak; a part of myself that I felt quite, as you say, cut off from at the time. As it turns out, blogging has indeed been very helpful as a way of encouraging this part of me to re-orient and even re-create herself. I hope your experience here with your own blog turns out to be just as positive.

    I look forward to reading your erotica, if you do indeed choose to post it, that is.

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